If obstinate dead people were all that Maddy had to worry about, life would be much easier. But the best-laid plans of Agents and fallen angels often go awry. Deaths are occurring contrary to the natural order, Maddy’s being stalked by foes inside and outside of her family, and her two loves-her bodyguard, Gabriel, and her doughnut-loving gargoyle, Beezle-have disappeared. But because Maddy is Lucifer’s granddaughter, things are expected of her, things like delicate diplomatic missions to other realms.
My name is Beezle, and I will be your incredibly handsome host for today’s tour. For those of you that don’t know me, I live in a slightly rundown two-flat in Chicago with an Agent of death named Madeline Black. She inherited the job, the house, and my wonderful gargoyle self when her mother died. I spend a lot of time trying to keep Maddy from doing stupid things that will get her killed. The rest of the time it’s my job to guard our home. Gargoyles can see the true nature of things. That means if a creature comes to our front door in a magical disguise I can look through all the layers of reality down to that creature’s essence and discover its real identity. It’s an amazingly important job and one that Maddy does not seem to appreciate properly. If she did, there would be more popcorn in the house and less complaining when the emergency stash of chocolate disappears. Anyway, on with the tour! Maddy and I live on the north side of Chicago, about six blocks from Wrigley Field and only a half-block away from the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts at Lincoln and Addison. I am partial to the Boston Kremes, if you ever want to stop by the house with a half-dozen. A short walk south on Lincoln will bring you to Dinkel’s Bakery, another excellent source of chocolate-covered doughnuts filled with cream. They also make every kind of cookie imaginable and excellent birthday cakes. My birthday is November 13th, in case you were wondering. If we jump on the Brown Line at Paulina we can take the el over to the Southport stop, where a host of glorious goodies awaits. The Ann Sather café is right next to the Southport stop, which is convenient because it means you won’t have to walk very far in order to stuff yourself with the most wonderful cinnamon rolls you’ve ever eaten in your life. Maddy usually only buys one roll for us to share, which is pretty stingy if you ask me. If it were up to me we’d have enough on hand to eat four or five every day of the week. Of course, when I say things like this it usually leads to a non-productive discussion about trans fat and the size of my belly. Maddy doesn’t understand that gargoyles are supposed to be round. Further north on Southport is Sensational Bites, home of the Boston Cream cupcake, the frosted brownie, and gigantic slices of carrot cake. It’s only a few steps away from Dairy Queen, so if you need an ice cream chaser after you’ve loaded up on pastry you won’t have to walk very far. I’d like to tell about you a few more important places but Maddy is yelling at me about something. Apparently someone left a lot of dirty dishes in the living room and she seems to think I had something to do with it. Come back next week and I’ll take you to all the movie theaters that have the best popcorn. Until then, Beezle signing off.